Why Christians Should Stop Giving Themselves Grace (Let God Do It Instead)
A while ago, I took up running as my main source of exercise using a Zero to 5K programme. So far it’s been fun, challenging, and a definite test of my physical and mental endurance. To that end, I certainly haven’t been perfect at maintaining a consistent schedule, and I’ve had to take a break because of a small cold, but I’m trying my best and I’m looking forward to starting again soon. Before I had to stop, I was trying to run every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. About a month ago, I found myself having an off week, and I skipped my Monday and Wednesday runs. I decided to get back to it on Thursday, but I figured it would be wise to go back to an easier run that I had completed the week before. However, I still found it more difficult than I thought it should have been, and I honestly was a little discouraged. As I was walking back home from the park, I found myself saying, “I just have to give myself grace.” I dwelt on that thought for the rest of my walk home.
That was the first time I had really taken the time to think about what that saying really means, even though I’ve heard it a thousand times. We all have; we are told in secular and Christian media alike that we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves and that we should be more forgiving of ourselves when we fall short. That certainly is true; we need to have mercy on ourselves in the Christian life. In fact, a crucial element of asking for pardon from God and from other people is forgiving ourselves of our own sins and failures. Sin is an unfortunate but inevitable part of this life, and holding on to our shortcomings longer or more intensely than we should does nothing but allow shame to fester within our souls. Operating from a place of shame instead of freedom not only deeply affects ourselves and our self-image, but it also creeps into our relationships with those we love most. And that certainly isn’t healthy for anyone.
Women especially are told to give themselves grace time and time again. I know in my own life I often fail to have patience with myself, and I demand perfection in myself when I’m nowhere near it. I don’t give myself time to grow, and instead I fall into an all-or-nothing mentality that only allows me to do something if I know I can do it perfectly. This, of course, is not how life works, and it’s something I’m trying to work on every single day. While I know that not every woman struggles with these same tendencies, I know many do. And that can be especially difficult if a woman is a wife and mother. Women constantly have so many demands placed on them, so it is understandable why the world tells women to give themselves grace so often.
However, as I was thinking about what the idea of giving oneself grace really means, something about it didn’t seem right to me from a Catholic perspective. I think my newfound unease with the idea of “giving myself grace” comes from the definition of the word grace and how we understand it as Catholics. The Catechism of the Catholic Church says this about grace:
The grace of Christ is the gratuitous gift that God makes to us of his own life, infused by the Holy Spirit into our soul to heal it of sin and to sanctify it…Sanctifying grace is an habitual gift, a stable and supernatural disposition that perfects the soul itself to enable it to live with God, to act by his love. (CCC 1999-2000)
To really drive the point home, I want to emphasise that grace is the gift of God’s own life infused into our souls. Our Lord loves us so much that He would not only desire for us to dwell with Him in eternal life after we die, but that He wants to live within us right here, right now. This is why living in a state of grace is so important and why going to Confession is vital, especially if you have committed a mortal sin. Without the life of God within us, without grace, acting in true love is impossible and holiness is unattainable.
I learned this definition of grace in religion class when I was in elementary school, but I never really understood the power of grace until I started truly embracing the sacramental life years later. Though I was raised Catholic and I went to Mass every Sunday, I never experienced the richness of the sacraments until I attended a summer programme through the Fellowship of Catholic University Students (FOCUS) called Summer Projects in Georgia in 2021. The purpose of this programme is to teach university students how to practice their faith while also working a regular, full time summer job. I went to Mass and Eucharistic Adoration every morning before work, participated in weekly Bible studies and small group discussions, gained valuable spiritual insights from a series of speakers, and experienced spiritual direction for the first time. I was accompanied by an amazing group of students from across the United States, and it was so powerful to share these experiences with other young Catholics who were just as passionate about the faith as I was (and still am). This was the first time I felt like I was living a sacramental life in true Christian community, and I felt such unbelievable peace during this time. My life hasn’t been the same since.
I never knew that God could so noticeably dwell within me and that I could be so dependent on grace until Summer Projects. After I came home and started university again, I realized that it was really hard to balance a robust spiritual life with a full class schedule, especially since I was double majoring and taking pretty demanding courses. I noticed a difference in myself when I didn’t go to daily Mass and neglected prayer; I was more anxious, I struggled to stay in the present and let my thoughts distract me, I had less patience with myself, and I was more easily agitated. These moments when I failed to fully engage in my faith woke me up to the fact that I can truly do nothing with God’s grace and how dependent I am on Him.
Even though I have this knowledge, I still find myself sinning and neglecting prayer. No matter how much I search for peace and fulfilment in things outside of God and His Church, I always come back to the realisation that only God’s grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). As I am writing this and coming back to that verse from 2 Corinthians, I am reminded of the fact that we should not despair over our failures and sins because it is in weakness that God takes the opportunity to offer us His grace. We just need to be willing to receive it.
The reality of the life-changing power of God’s grace is why I think Christians should stop thinking of grace as a mere synonym for patience or kindness. The truest definition of grace is the very life of God dwelling inside us which allows us to truly love God and others, and that is something we can never bestow upon ourselves. We can never truly forgive ourselves and have patience with our own weaknesses if we are not willing to receive the grace that the Lord wants to extend to each of us. True healing and forgiveness does not come from our own power, but instead from the Divine Physician that can heal all wounds.