Finding Femininity
I don’t know about you, but I actually love being a woman, now! I think it is awesome and I feel so special and excited when I think about the sheer possibilities, I have been given in being made a woman.
I didn’t always think that, however. In my upbringing I didn’t feel particularly encouraged to be feminine and as a child I was encouraged to be a tomboy, I loved to climb, to read adventure books, to play outside in the mud. All the things many other girls my age wanted to do. I never had Barbies, there was no make-up or high heels in the house to play dress up with. I saw my femininity as a frivolous nagging feeling that needed to be shoved to the sidelines. The fact that I wanted to play with dolls, that I wanted to learn how to knit and sew, wanting to wear that pretty dress, the yearning I had for female community. All of these were pushed to the side by me as ‘that’s not who I really am’ or ‘that’s a ridiculous thing to want.’
The world told me that to be successful as a woman, I had to become part of the boy’s club. Wearing feminine clothing, being soft spoken and gentle with those around me, letting a man hold a door open or carrying something for me, would all hold me back in life.
It wasn’t until university when I saw other women live out their femininity that I began to explore this nagging feeling inside myself. I was missing out on something. As a society we have come to a decision that ‘productivity’ is the most important contribution a person can make to society. Innovation, labour, performance of all sorts, are praised most highly. These are all important, of course, but we have lost sight of what holds society together, morality.
Morality is not taught as a school subject, it is usually taught to us by the most important person in our life, our mother. Our inherent moral compass needs fine tuning when we are growing up, and this most important task is undertaking by millions of mothers every hour of every day. Women are the cultivators of men and by extend society. Once we realise this great power we hold, it is a lot easier to understand the gifts we have been given.
I would like to focus on three of those gifts today, receptivity, nurture, and humility.
Women have historically been described as passive. They are the ones being asked and that events happen to. The modern world is trying to make us think that historically women had no agency and passively lived through a misogynistic patriarchy. Anyone who sees women as passive is missing out on one of their greatest gifts, receptivity. Receptivity, coming from the Latin recipere, meaning to take in or to admit, describes this feminine characteristic much better than passivity. As the brilliant Alice von Hildebrand contrasted receptivity and passivity as wood being felled, which has no control over the action, and a woman opening up her soul to receive God into it, clearly an action within her control.[1] Passivity has a notion of inferiority and being out of someone’s control. A woman, being receptive to her surroundings, is in full control, however. She chooses to open herself to those around her, to love them, to be a sounding board for ideas, to take on their sufferings and their joys with them. It is why women make good nurses and why they tend to be better at listening empathetically. We can open ourselves completely to those around us and let them into our heart and soul. God especially should be welcomed into us, and he is the one at whose feet we put ourselves, saying, just as the Virgin did: ‘I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.’ This is much more in a woman’s nature, since civilization literally depends on women receiving men into them. For a wife the marital act is a much more vulnerable act then for the husband, she has to let him enter into her and receive him joyfully, otherwise the marital act cannot take place. Receiving graciously and fully, should be something to cultivate in any women’s life, it can start with something as simple as receiving compliments. Next time somebody gives you a compliment, simply say ‘Thank you’ and let that compliment make you feel happy without pressuring yourself to find something to compliment the other on, it is much more sincere and letting the other person see your joy at receiving the compliment is just what they intended.
This feeds directly into the next gift I would like to discuss, nurture. As women we have that awesome superpower to carry and nurture life, both physically and spiritually. Like St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross said, “The woman’s soul is fashioned as a shelter in which other souls may unfold.” Our entire biology is orientated towards generating something more than ourselves, our children. We take or receive to connect this back to the previous gift; the resources and ideas given to us and turn them into ways to nurture our family. It is very much the idea of a male provider, giving a woman resources, let’s say firewood. She receives the firewood and makes a fire with it to warm and prepare food for her family, this family is strengthened by her physical, emotional, and spiritual nurture. Strengthened her husband and children then go out into the world and are able to provide for their family and those around them. There is a beautiful harmony and complementarity between the sexes if our relationship is viewed through this lens. A woman is naturally more inclined to give of herself and sacrifice her body and her time to take care of others, she is often described as more pious than men. All of you amazing mothers out there are already nurturing your little ones so much, so this is a shout out to those ladies without biological children. You have a beautiful vocation, right now I am working as a teacher, and I pour a lot of my nurture into my pupils. I don’t need to be the strict, shouty teacher, every day I aspire to not only teach my subject knowledge to my pupils but to communicate to them that they are loved and seen human beings, that God loves them. In your life I am sure there is people, either colleagues, pupils/patients, or family members, who could benefit from your nurture. Find them and tend to them.
A word of caution always has to be given with nurture; however, women often fall into the trap of trying to do it all. You can’t give your life entirely to anyone but God, so be careful how and whom you nurture, and draw healthy boundaries. Even as a mother, you need time for prayer, for self-care and to remind yourself that you are your own person.
This is where humility comes in. The last gift I want to discuss today is one of the most frowned upon in our modern society. To have a modest opinion of your significance, your strength or your skill set, does not work in a society that focuses solely on what you can contribute to it. Being humble is actually a disadvantage. Due to this sad new trend in society, we are losing a special part of femininity. Our god-fearing, humble nature. Did not the Virgin herself give the prime example of humility: “Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.”[2] Without hesitation she aligned herself with the will of God, because she was humble enough to accept that he had a plan for her, the best plan that could ever exist for her life. Her humility was rewarded in the most special way, being enthroned in heaven. This meekness and humility that is natural in women, is not bad, it does not make us weak or pushovers, instead it emphasises our wisdom and bravery. Be brave and wise enough to admit today that you need God, that only through him will you reach your goals, that he is your protector and your guide. It is a beautiful thing to be humble, you know your sins and weaknesses better than anyone but with humility you don’t despair, if you have true humility you know that God is your only way out of a bad situation, that there is people around you that can and will help you, that confession, prayer and alignment with God are your rock and foundation. Therefore, the only recommendation I want to really make for fostering humility is, go to confession, go frequently and go with an open and vulnerable heart. No priest will judge or reject you; their role is to reveal Our Father’s love to us in a unique sense in the administration of the sacraments, trust them and seek their council, pray for them to give you wisdom and comfort.
I hope you enjoyed today’s read and that you will join me again soon on our journey on Finding the Feminine Genius.
[1] Alice von Hildebrand Man and Woman A Divine Invention (Sapientia Press, 2010) p 57
[2] Luke 1:38 NRVS Catholic Edition